Archive for February, 2016

You Might as Well Face it, You’re Addicted to Approval

February 18, 2016

seal-of-approval Do you remember the Robert Palmer song “Addicted to Love” which was popular in the 80s? If you don’t, then you are probably younger than most of my shoes. But I think of those words when I see people trying so desperately to please everyone in their lives. Just as with every addiction, the first step toward recovery is recognizing and acknowledging that you have a problem. You may be an approval addict if:

  • You have cultivated a hectic and unsustainable routine of pushing yourself to the limit in order to satisfy the demands of everyone in your life. You often fall into bed while still wearing your Super Hero cape.
  • You continually acquiesce to the desires of other people, for fear of rocking the boat. You haven’t yet understood that sometimes it is necessary to rock the boat a little, lest it hit an iceberg and sink!
  • You are not willing to draw boundaries for fear of making someone angry or causing them to dislike you. People often push you until you lose yourself, but you keep trying, justifying your willingness to sacrifice your health and well-being in the name of love or friendship.
  • You require the compliments and assurances of other people in order to feel attractive, smart, talented, etc. You need these assurances daily. You constantly check to see how many “likes” you are receiving.

Approval addiction is not rare; it is really quite common in today’s world. The truth is that many people have lost the ability to feel OK just being who they are and are constantly seeking validation from outside sources. Here are some tips for approval addiction recovery:

    • Try being a friend to yourself! If you don’t like yourself and are always looking to others for love, acceptance and validation, you will find it hard to feel confident and comfortable with who you are. Don’t always look for a “fix” to make you feel worthwhile. When you are addicted to approval, you find yourself constantly needing someone else to validate your worth; how you look, how smart you are, etc. It’s an endless cycle.
    • Remember that your opinions are just as valuable as anyone else’s. Stop second guessing yourself and being shy about what you believe to be true. Open your mind to other ideas and opinions, but don’t always assume that yours are wrong or inferior. And by the way, your opinion of you counts!
  • Accept that everyone is not always going to like you. For most people, that just doesn’t happen. There are a lot of people in the world and there are plenty who like you and some who won’t. Big deal! Other people’s opinion of you is their perception. If you are kind, authentic, and true to yourself, don’t depend on other people to define who you are. If people will only like you if you always agree with them and do what they tell you, guess what? They are not worth your time and energy!

 

  • Don’t outsource your self-worth. We all want to be liked and held in high regard, but the feelings of validation that come from outside sources can be short lived. Don’t hand over control of your confidence and self-esteem to anyone else. Do the best you can to be the best person you can be, but YOU decide who that person really is! Remember these wise words: You may as well like yourself, because wherever you go…there you are!

 

Please feel free to share this with anyone who may benefit from it, and comments are always welcome and appreciated.

Linda Henley-Smith is a speaker, trainer and author who believes that we all have unique gifts to share.

www.lindahenley-smith.com 

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Angry People Throwing Cauliflower

February 9, 2016

I was just assaulted in the grocery store checkout lane. I am now a victim of an unprovoked vegetabling. I will set the scene: I was second in line to check out and could tell that the woman in front of me was already having a bad day at 8:30 in the morning. I had unloaded my shopping cart, and the cashier had turned on the conveyer belt which was carrying my items closer to those of the already unhappy shopper. As sometimes happens, when the belt stopped moving, some of the items got bunched together and my little head of cauliflower jumped over the divider and into Angry Woman’s area. She grabbed the offending vegetable and threw it at me. Really. She threw it. As she did so, she screamed, “Keep your “beep”ing cauliflower to yourself!”

Now, I thought that was a rather harsh reaction. I also thought that no cauliflower deserves to be called a vulgar name. It is not the most attractive food and some may not like it, but it really is just an innocuous, non-threatening cruciferous vegetable.

Obviously, I know that she wasn’t mad at my cauliflower. But this is a humorous example of what is going on in the world today. Many people seem to be extraordinarily angry and simple situations can heat up and escalate pretty quickly. There are many reasons for people’s anger but what are we to do when their rage is directed toward us?

  • Take responsibility for your reaction to other people’s anger. Realize that allowing someone else’s rage to affect you is handing over control of your own emotions.

 

  • Telling an angry person to calm down is like throwing gasoline on a fire. Their anger is based in insecurity or fear and suggesting that they relax and take a deep breath will probably cause them to think their feelings are being ignored or discounted.

 

  • Try to look at someone’s anger through the lens of compassion. I know it sounds strange to feel compassionate toward someone who has just exploded, said unkind things or thrown a cauliflower at you, but entertain the possibility that the angry person has just experienced some sort of incident, trauma or perhaps heard some news that has rocked their world. It is possible that they could just be a troll….but give them the benefit of the doubt.

 

  • Understand that acknowledging someone’s anger is not saying that they were justified in their bad behavior, but it is a kind thing to do and it elevates you above the fray.

 

  • Do not engage in the tantrum. Even though you may feel like slapping someone who is spewing venom or throwing vegetables at you, try to take the higher road and de-escalate the situation by refusing to participate in the drama.

 

So, who knew that a grocery store experience would prompt an article? But here it is and I leave you with this valuable tip: When you see a flying cauliflower coming your way…duck! And be grateful that it isn’t an airborne tuna fish can!

 

Linda Henley-Smith is a speaker and life-mapping coach who uses real life situations in her presentations. http://www.lindahenley-smith.com

 

 

How to Find Your Porpoise

February 4, 2016

jump porp

Anyone who has ever taught in a classroom has a plethora of funny anecdotes about things that students said, did or wrote. One of mine involves an eighth grade student who chose, as his English class theme subject, the philosophical topic of finding and pursuing one’s purpose in life. The finished product came to me with the title, How I Found My Porpoise.

At first, I thought that his purpose involved a porpoise and he intended to pursue his porpoise purpose. I was rather looking forward to learning about how he came up with that, but then I realized that he had obviously misspelled the word…probably because he had waited until the last minute and no doubt had hastily finished the paper that morning before class.

I had to give him credit for choosing such a complex topic, since most of us spend a lot of our time trying to figure out what we really want to do in life. Trying to find your purpose; why you are here on earth, and what you are meant to do, can be confusing and frustrating. Even though you may have a genetic predisposition for a specific talent, sometimes it isn’t always as easy as just writing a mission statement and carrying it out.

First of all, there is a big difference in having a purpose and living WITH purpose! Don’t get too caught up in the word “purpose.” The best any of us can do is to live life in the kindest, most compassionate, joyful way we can! Although some people claim that they have always known in their hearts what they were meant to do, most of us find meaning in many different life experiences along the way. The way I see it is if you are here on earth, you’re here for a reason and sometimes you may never really identify one particular purpose!

But if you ever get stuck and wonder what you are meant to do, here are some tips:

Use your emotional intelligence. Check your passion! Purpose and passion are related so if you are extremely passionate about something, your emotional intelligence is leading you to move toward fulfilling one of your life’s purposes. If you are meant to do it, you’ll find a way.

Review your patterns. If you look back on your life and think about the things you have always enjoyed and to which you find yourself gravitating, you will get a pretty good idea of the things you hold most important.

Your purpose doesn’t have to be your job. What if your purpose in life is to be kind…to others and to yourself? What if it is to forgive…others and yourself? What if your purpose is to encourage and to be a mentor? Don’t think that because you don’t get paid to do something, it isn’t your calling.

Listen to your gut. You are smart. You know what feels right and what you are meant to do! Don’t wait for other people or circumstances to make decisions for you. You have the power to make the rest of your life the best of your life!

Live life with an exclamation point! The worst feeling of all is to be wishy washy and never be able to lock into any goals. We all want to live with an exclamation point and not a question mark! You can’t feel jubilant about everything all of the time, but your moments of exhilaration, curiosity, and contentment should outnumber your moments of boredom, frustration, or despair. When you are living on purpose, you feel a sense of harmony, satisfaction, comfort, peace and hope. If you are living with a porpoise, you are probably in the ocean. Lucky you!

Linda Henley-Smith is a speaker and life-mapping coach. www.lindahenley-smith.com 

Tend to Your Most Important Investment

February 1, 2016

Everybody seems to be concerned about their investments; they watch the stock market activity and with white knuckles, experience the ups and downs like they are on a roller coaster. We are told that if we aren’t going to end up living in a big cardboard box, we need to invest wisely and be prudent about our finances. Good advice….but just as important, is how we invest in ourselves!

When you really think about it, the reason we feel we need money is to take care of the basic needs of ourselves and our families and also to have the ability to do the things that we enjoy. Well, no matter how much financial wealth we accrue, it won’t do us a lot of good if we aren’t around to reap the benefits! And also, we can’t take care of anyone else if we don’t take care of ourselves!

How do you go about investing in yourself? Here is a starter list:

  1. First of all, nurture yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually. A truly successful person doesn’t adopt the motto: “I am strong. I am invincible. I am pooped!” You can work yourself to the point of dropping and tell yourself and others that you’re doing it for all the right reasons, but when you are nothing but a puddle of goo on the floor, you won’t be very convincing. It is better to set boundaries for yourself, so you don’t push yourself too far. Make sure you get proper rest and get out every now and then and exercise. Take some time to quiet your mind and empty your brain of earthly woes. That isn’t being lazy or irresponsible; it is being wise! Believe me, those who love you will be glad that you are still able to function rather than becoming a zombie. Zombies are not fun. Zombies are scary.
  2. Don’t stress for success! Those two things don’t have to go together! There is way too much information about how to manage stress to include in this article, but one thing you should remember is the origin of the word “stress.” It goes back to the fifteenth century when people used to draw and quarter their enemies. That means they used to literally pull them apart. Yikes! But that is what our modern day stress can do to us; physically and mentally. Invest in yourself by finding ways to avoid, alter or adapt to stressful situations.
  3. Make regular deposits into your laughter account. This is one place that really deserves attention and if you want to be healthy, you need to invest in your sense of humor…big time! The world isn’t always a funny place, but there sure are pockets of humor everywhere you look! The physiological benefits of laughter are countless; there is no better medicine and there are no bad side effects! Surround yourself with things that give you joy; pictures, toys, cartoons, bubbles and anything that will break a negative mood. The world really is a laugh lab if you just start to focus on the funny things that are out there.

There is nothing in this world as important as the investment we make in our physical, emotional and spiritual health. Laugh long and prosper!

Linda Henley-Smith is a speaker and life-mapping coach. Check out http://www.lindahenley-smith.com